{ " Dear Trixie " }

Dear Trixie, 

It's hard to believe only a little over two months ago you took your final breath. I don't think it will ever stop hurting the way it does. I find myself filled with anticipation to see you each morning. To make up your grain, to clean your ever so messy stall. What I wouldn't give to clean your stall again... I find myself wanting to curl up on your saddle pad, and breathe you in again. I can't count the number of times I've broken down in the corner of your stall. Sometimes when we drive down the hill I still search for you. I will admit that I was angry you had to go. I still remember the feeling in my gut when I checked your breathing rate that morning. I knew it was going to be goodbye, I just didn't want to know it. I don't think I'll ever forget that phone call. The call that informed us, whilst in the middle of Walmart, that my best friend wasn't going to be here the next morning. I know when Gunner came along he kind of stole me away, but you know he didn't. You, and I know he didn't... You were always my favorite, because you were my always. But, our relationship was filled with special, quiet moments. Moments that had nothing to do with anyone else, moments that no one else noticed. You were there for me when I was nine, and my eyes were filled with infinite wonder at the sight of you. You were there to make me smile, and to make me cry. What I wouldn't give for you to make me cry again... You were there when I was twelve, and trying to figure out who in this great big world I was. You were there when I was thirteen, and no one seemed to like me except for you. You were there when I was fifteen, and the world seemed to be crashing down on me. You where there for me when I was insecure, when I was sad, when I was scared, when I was lonely, hurt, frustrated, content, happy, crazy, and full of unbreakable determination. I don't know if anyone understands the way I felt when I left you that night when I was fifteen years old. My heart broke. I thought about you constantly through those three years. I never stopped thinking about you. I dreamed about the day when I would be with you again. When I came to visit you three years later, it was like things had never changed. I remember the way tears filled my eyes, and you nuzzled me gently. Then another year went by before I saw you again, but I was going to see you again... You were there when I fell in love. You carried me that day as I rode beside John, and fell in love with him. You were there when I found my happily ever after. You were the first one I told I had fallen hopelessly in love with him. You were always there. You where there when I needed someone to cry on after Grandma died. You were so good at listening. You gave me the courage I needed to take Gunner on. You kept me grounded when I just needed gentleness. You gave your all to me. You were selfless for years upon years. You gave me wings, Trixie. You gave me wings. We were unstoppable. You taught me how to be brave, and how to be gentle. I always had you. The day I had to say goodbye to you didn't seem real. I tried to be strong, I tried to be brave. But, I couldn't. God loaned you to me for a little while, and I'm so thankful for that. I don't think I'll ever stop wishing you were here. I know I'll never stop thanking the Lord for the life He gave to you. Thank you for letting me love you for all of those years. Thank you for putting up with my craziness. Thank you for helping me become the horsewoman I am today. I will be forever grateful for you. Thank you for being my best friend since the time I was only nine years old. 

I will always love you. 

Love,

Your Girl

{ " Rediscovering Beauty " }

I have never worn much makeup, mainly just mascara with some blush, and highlighter. Those are the three things I like to use. And lipstick of course, because c'mon... there's always time for lipstick!

I have gone makeup free for almost two weeks now, and it has reopened my eyes...

When I started wearing makeup a couple of years ago, I didn't actually know what effect it would have on my over all "self esteem". I feel like most women find that makeup boosts their self esteem. It makes you feel more confident, sometimes older, sometimes younger, more put together, and more attractive. Well, those can all be true. But, what happens when the makeup comes off? Does that confidence level sink, do you feel like you look old again, do you feel like you look like a child again, or perhaps less attractive? I'm pretty sure the answer to all of those questions in a lot of cases is yes. Anyone can use the excuse that you're "enhancing" your natural beauty... And, I guess it could be true. But, who is born with perfectly blurred, and bright under eyes, bronze eyelids, and eyelashes that are long enough to reach above their eyebrows?! Not anyone I know...

I realized I started to look at other women, with makeup on, or without, and I couldn't get over how beautiful they were. Why wasn't I that beautiful? What could I do to make myself more beautiful? Could I pile on more mascara? More tinted moisturizer? More blush, and highlighter? Maybe if I put on an "on trend" lip color I'd look more grown up.

I have a secret to tell you all... The only way I was going to make myself more beautiful, was by making my inside more like Christ. This really shouldn't be a secret, but I feel like it is. Your heart shines onto your face. The stereotypical world view of beauty is generally this...

I'm pretty sure that day I felt "attractive", "awake", and "mature"... To be honest, I'm not sure who that girl is anymore. So why does some black paint on our eyelashes, and some pink dust on our cheeks make us feel so significant, and uplifted? It is, because we care so much about what others think about us, without even realizing it! One of my biggest issues with my self image is that I look so young. I really started getting into makeup when I had a lot of photography "gigs", and I felt like I needed to look professional. When I had makeup on, my age was never questioned. Well, last week I was asked TWICE what grade I was in... GRADE! Not even what I do for work, or if I was in college. When I told the women I was married, they both had a very similar reaction, and they were shocked. The fact that people always mistook my age bothered me SO much that I always made sure I had mascara on in public. I couldn't run the risk of people thinking I was a ginormous little kid! 

My husband is the real reason I stopped wearing makeup for these past two weeks. I am so grateful for him, and his true love for me. He actually doesn't like it when I wear makeup. He doesn't like that girl up there in that first picture. He loves her though. He pointed out to me, that focusing on my self image, my self esteem, and how I "felt" I looked, took my focus off of where it should be. Christ. He asked me what good would there be if I gained the world, but lost my soul. I had lost sight of the fact that God made me exactly how He desired. I will always, and have always been beautiful to God. Why should I care if I look like a child to other people?! Well, I am a child aren't I? I am a child of the King! If my heart is where it should be, I am beautiful. No amount of makeup, or worldly praise will ever cause my heart to be content. In Christ alone I am content, I am free, and I am beautiful. 

This is me, Jane Ashley McNeil. I am beautiful, because I am servant of Christ, and I am fearfully, and wonderfully made. I have been bought with a price, and I owe my life to Jesus. 

So there I am, bare faced, happy, rejoicing, and full of contentment. 

I am in no way saying makeup is a bad thing, but it can become a bad thing if it causes us to lose sight of our true, and real beauty that is found in the innermost part of our hearts. I'll probably still play around with makeup, and wear it on "special occasions", but right now, I'm rediscovering my sense of self, and that I am truly beautiful. 

{ " Becca Cosmetics ~ Moonstone ~ Shimmering Skin Perfector Pressed }

That was a really long title. 

So, I started wearing "makeup" about a year ago. My makeup consists of mascara, highlighter, BB cream, and blush. I probably wear makeup two to three days a week. To be honest it's just something fun I like to do. I don't like to change my overall appearance, so I've stayed away from contouring, eyeliner, eye shadow, and foundation. I prefer to air on the side of just a healthy looking complexion, and fluttery defined eyelashes. My guilty pleasure is "high-end" cosmetics. Once I've walked through the doors at Sephora I'm lost in there for hours if you don't drag me out. When you do drag me out my arms, and hands are generally covered in lipstick, highlighter, and blush. On the rare occasion that I do get to purchase something from the glorious place which is Sephora, it's something I've long thought out. It's always a little painful to buy things from there, but it's always been worth it. I've only had to return two products, and they were things that did NOT work for me, hence making them totally not worth the purchase! 

Anyways, after that long introduction, I will get on to what this post is about! If you are following any "beauty-gurus" on social media sites I am 99% sure you have heard about the Becca Shimmering Skin Perfectors (evidently this isn't a real word...), the pressed, and liquid versions. The first product I purchased from Becca (or rather, my husband purchased for me from Becca) was the Shimmering Skin Perfector Pressed in Moonstone. At the time it was the only one of her pressed highlighters that was light enough for my fair skin. Now they have Champagne Pop, and Pearl. I want to get my hands on Champagne Pop sometime in the near future... 

So, this was the first highlighter I had ever used that was "high-end", and baby... It is high-end! It has a whopper of a price-tag at $38.00. That is a lot of money. Especially for this frugal-fanny over here who is used to buying $3.00 lipsticks at Walmart! I can't believe I'm saying this... but it is so worth the splurge. 

Let's go over the stats on this loverly product before I get into my thoughts!

You can take a peek at the product here on Sephora: CLICK ME!

Now, in case you don't want to go look at Sephora's site, and what they say about this beautiful highlighter... I will just plop it all in here for you! 

What it is: 
A creamy powder highlighter that absorbs and reflects light for the ultimate natural glow. 

What it does: 
Find refined luminosity in any light. This bestselling formula is enriched with ultrafine luminescent pearls that absorb, reflect, and refract light so your natural radiance is never lost. Unlike the traditional pressed powder method which simply mixes and compresses dry ingredients, this unique process blends pigments with proprietary liquid binders, resulting in unparalleled, creamy application with balanced color dispersion. Like a compact full of crushed gemstones, the multi-toned, ultra-fine pigment pearls adjust to your skin’s natural undertones for a truly unique glow. 

What it is formulated WITHOUT: 
- Parabens 

What else you need to know: 
For fuller-looking lips, follow lip gloss or lipstick with a dab of Shimmering Skin Perfector™ to the center of your lower lip.

I would say that this is all 100% true. It does give a unique, and gorgeous glow to the skin! 

Sephora describes this as a "pale gold" highlighter, and I completely agree. I think it suits basically any skin tone, from the fairest (a.k.a me) to much deeper skin tones. I would recommend it for anyone looking for a bright, and luminous glow to the cheeks!

First of all, it's gorgeous.

Secondly, it is so soft, buttery, smooth, and pigmented. It's actually insane. It's basically pure pigment with a gorgeous sheen, and "shimmer" when the light hits it. It does not have glitter. I have a hatred for highlighters that are packed with glitter. When I'm walking around with a face full of glitter I don't feel like I look naturally healthy, glowy, dewy, and fresh. I feel... like a fairy, and I don't want to feel like a fairy. It's super finely milled, and just... so so so soft, and luxurious.

The color is so gorgeous. The color is described as a pale gold, and I have to agree with that. I can compare it to Benefit HighBeam, and it's definitely more of a yellow tone, where HighBeam is more pink toned. It has a white undertone, and it's very strong when applied heavily. It can be blended to look super natural, or packed on to look super intense like in the photo below. I don't actually wear it heavily packed on, but I wanted to show you all how intense you could make this. Granted, it still looks insanely gorgeous packed on. I prefer it to be a little more diffused for an everyday look. I have seen plenty of ladies pull it off applied super heavily for a sultry night-time look, and it's gorgeous that way too! 

I apply it with a Real Techniques setting brush to the tops of my cheek bones after applying my blush, then I blend the two together with a powder brush so there isn't a harsh zebra-esque line down my cheek! 

The packaging is gorgeous, like all of Becca's packaging, and it looks like a little UFO. It's very sturdy, and has a mirror that is the same size as the compact. The black on the packaging shows resemblance of Nars packaging, and it's very soft, and velvety. The packaging gets quite dirty with use, but it's packaging. Don't sweat the small stuff! The product inside is definitely worth dusty packaging!

Well, I'm getting back into the groove of things now that I'm a married woman! I have a lot of time at home, and if I'm not at home I'm at work with my husband, at my parents house, or with my horse. I'm planning on doing reviews more often, and some other "homemaker-esque" posts. 

I hope you found this helpful! 

Talk to you all soon! 

xoxo, 

{ " It's been a while... " }

Well, it's been quite some time since I've posted! I was doing so well with keeping up with regular postings, and then I seemed to just forget about the little old blog! Plus, I've been quite busy!

Let's see... I left off in February...

February 28th marked John's twentieth birthday! We celebrated with gifts, and then headed out to lunch with his dad. It was wonderful to be able to celebrate his birthday with him!

As you all know, on December 25th, John proposed to me! Also on Christmas Day, my grandma (mom's mother) was moved to the Masonic Home in Charlton after falling, and breaking her arm. We visited her to give her the good news, and she was tired, but so excited for us! The "plan" was that her arm would heal, and she would head home. Well, she ended up on oxygen, which prompted my aunts to clean out her apartment, and get rid of it. It was a hard pill for all of us to swallow, and I know it was especially hard for my mom. Grandma had lived there for what seemed like forever, and it will always still be known as "Grandma's House", on "Grandma's Street", near "Grandma's 4-Way Stop". She seemed to be recovering nicely, and we visited her more often than not. We didn't go a week without seeing her, and we were sometimes there a few times a week. It was wonderful that she got to know John, and she loved him so much. I'm pretty sure she loved him almost as much as I do! Her health went up, and down, and sadly after going down, it didn't come back up. After many evenings spent watching HSN, and random TV shows with her in room, those laughter filled nights had to come to an end. The first Sunday in March, mom, dad, and the kids went to visit Grandma while I was with John. Mom messaged me online to tell me that I should go to see Grandma before I went home that night. She was almost unresponsive, and when she did respond it was all hallucinations. I remember sitting in that room, holding her hand, and feeling my heart break. That night we didn't laugh, and smiling seemed almost impossible. When we left that night the only thing I remember her saying is, "It's almost time for me to go home." Home. Not home to 5 Wells St. but rather, home to Jesus. When we got to the car I cried harder than I had cried in years. John simply held me tight, and fought back his own tears as I broke down completely.The following days were hard, and she was brought to the hospital when they found she had a severe gall bladder infection. The infection worsened, and they put in a drain to fix it, but it was incurable at that point. It had spread, and surgery was too risky. But, while she was awake, she was happy. Even if she didn't know who we were, she was happy. They moved her back to the Masonic Home, and she slept most of the time. She had one high day. Two days before she went home. She was up drinking coffee, laughing, and smiling. She was surrounded by friends, and family who loved her so dearly. Friday, March 13th she was still hanging on, even though for a week they were telling us she only had hours left. I hadn't yet brought myself to the place where I could truly say goodbye to her. I was still holding on to this selfish hope that she wouldn't leave us. That God would let her stay for just a little while longer. On Friday March 13th, I felt a tug at my heart, and instead of going straight home after picking John up from work, I asked him if we could go to see Grandma. When we arrived there were several people in the room, but they made room for me to sit beside her bed. I sat there, and held her weak, frail hand, and talked to her. She couldn't respond, but I brought up memories, told her stories, told her about our wedding plans, joked about all the pairs of size eight Alfred Dunner pants she had, and all the while I held back my tears. We all sang How Great Thou Art and the pastor from her church read scripture. When it came to about 9:30PM, I decided it was time to leave. She was still hanging on, but she was fading. I think the hardest thing I had ever done was when I let go of her hand that night, and I finally said goodbye. The last words I said to my grandmother were, "I love you, Grandma. I'll see you soon." They were the hardest words I had ever said, but at the same time I felt peace wash over me. I will never let her go completely, but I finally let her go to the Father's arms. I heard the phone ring in the middle of the night, and I knew that meant she had gone. She left us peacefully in her sleep, and she made her way to the Father's arms. To her true home. On March 14, 2015 Grandma went home.

May 6th marked my 20th birthday, and it was a wonderful day. John spoiled me, and took the day off of work to bring me on many adventures. Then I spent the evening with my family, including John, and my future mother-in-law.

June 15th rolled around, and Gunner Steel entered into my life. He's possibly the most insane, most wonderful, and most beautiful horse I have ever met. He has made me into the bombproof rider I am today! Mainly because of one ride he took me on about a month ago where I had to jump ship whilst he was running up to 30MPH while we were on a trail ride... That was fun!

September 1st was the first day we paid rent in our apartment. OUR apartment! Of course we won't be living together til we are married, but it's so awesome! Watch for my next blog post that will include photos!

Now we are wedding planning like crazy! The date we set is December 19th, 2015, and we are so excited! Granted, I'm slightly terrified. Hehe. Pretty soon I'm going to be a Mrs!

So yes, there's a little catch up, I shall enlighten more on my next post!

Xoxo!

{ " My Valentine " }

I know I'm a week late... but, better late than never, right? 

Needless to say, my wonderful fiance was my Valentine this year. 

It was a totally new concept for me, because I've never actually really celebrated Valentine's Day. I've given friends little valentines, and I've always acknowledged the day, but I've never had a Valentine. And, to think that next year my Valentine won't be my fiance anymore... He'll be my husband! 

John spoiled me to death on Valentine's Day. I guess I should have seen it coming though, because he spoils me every chance he gets. I had the most wonderful day. It started off with him arriving at our house with roses, and chocolate. I've never liked roses. Or so I thought... Because it was him handing me those beautiful roses, I couldn't not like them. We were going out to lunch, so we headed to the car, and in the passenger's seat was a little brown bear, an envelope, and a little blue box. Inside the box was a beautiful sterling silver bracelet. The outer edge has the coordinates to the place we met engraved on it, and inside it reads "forever and a day", which is our little saying. That was such an amazing surprise. A few weeks prior I had been telling him, and mom about wanting a bracelet just like the one he gave me, and the thought was really what struck me. He had to find the coordinates, find somewhere to get the bracelet, and remember exactly how I had said I wanted it. So after I almost cried, we went out to have lunch at Uno's, which was amazing! Then we went to see a movie... The only movie that was even the slightest bit intriguing was Paddington. Believe it or not I actually loved the movie. It was so cute, and definitely not too childish. I do believe we were the only young couple that went to see that movie on Valentine's Day... but, we're supposed to be different!

So I had a wonderful Valentine's Day, and I wouldn't change one part of it! 

I'm so blessed that God gave me such an incredible man to spend the rest of my life with! 

xoxo, 

{ " Smiles. " }

Just thought I'd share these pictures that Abigail snapped of John, and I last Sunday. A couple people have mentioned now that we look like Flynn, and Rapunzel from Tangled. I think that's pretty amusing, and I can even see the resemblance! Anyways, I love these pictures, and I wanted to share them. I can't wait until we get our engagement pictures done by the photographer we're working with for our wedding. She's incredible, and I'm so excited about having our pictures done this spring! I actually cut down on decoration, and venue costs so I could get a good photographer. I think we'll have a blast with our engagement pictures! 

Hope you're all enjoying the snow if you're in New England! ♥

xoxo, 

{ " Craving Change and Vitamin D " }

I've realized that at the beginning of every year I am vitamin D deficient, and I slip into a slightly depressed state. It happens at the end of January, and seeps into February. I hadn't really been aware of it before, and plus I had had reasons in previous years to become slightly down in the dumps.

This year I had absolutely nothing to be down about, and yet I once again slipped into that depressive state. Unfortunately not only mom noticed, but John noticed as well. It started on Saturday afternoon, when I just felt drained of life. I wasn't even tired just... bored. Then Sunday it carried on, and by Monday I felt absolutely wrecked. I didn't want to get out of bed, I didn't want to play games, eating didn't even seem like a good idea. Since John is a teacher, he was here, because of the snowstorm, and school being cancelled. So, he even noticed the way I had started acting. I just felt emotionless, I didn't feel happy, sad, or otherwise. I sat on our couch, silently, and knitted for who knows how long. The feeling was horrible. I kind of just felt empty. I didn't really feel discontent, but at the same time I wasn't content. I wasn't excited about being awake, or alive, or anything really. I was just living. I know it sounds silly, that this all seemed to come on so quickly in one weekend, but it's possible. My mind was wandering, and telling me I wanted things that I couldn't have, and that I needed things that I didn't. Little did I know, I was craving change as well. I hadn't really thought about it. I love change. I love being active, I can't stand sitting around anymore, and I love exciting things. Life had been go-go-go since September, then in December we got engaged, and then all of a sudden things just stopped. John was back to work, I was at home, and life slowed back down. I'm not able to go to the barn like normal, because of issues the cold weather afflicts on me physically. Sure, being engaged was (and still is) exciting, but it wasn't new anymore, and it wasn't as exciting. My mind craves new things, and craves changes. I guess in the mix of going back to the barn, meeting John again, being with John again, and then suddenly being engaged, my mind had been hyped up on change. When the change stopped, life seemed to also stop. It probably sounds silly, because most people aren't fond of change... and, if you're one of those people, that's okay. But, I'm not. I kind of thrive on new things, and changes. When life becomes placid, I need little things to mix it up. I realized I was craving change when I suddenly wanted to cut bangs in my hair, and I actually picked up my shears to do it. I also started wearing red lipstick, and red lip gloss, which is new. I wanted to rearrange my room, and I started styling my hair differently. Plus I was itching to get a job somewhere... even Walmart! It all pointed to the fact that my mind was craving something new, something it wasn't getting anymore.

So, I taught myself how to knit.

I bought more red lip gloss. 

And, today I rearranged my room. 

Needless to say, the little changes seemed to perk my mind up a bit. Plus I have been taking vitamin D now, which I'm sure is also helping to balance out the weird depressive state. By Wednesday morning I was back on my feet, and feeling mostly like myself again. Today I'm back to my normal, crazy self, and I'm so glad. I even went outside to play with the kids this afternoon, which was a crazy amount of fun, especially when I stepped into a drift where the snow came to my hips! (Realizing I only have 317 days left in my house has caused me to cherish the little moments I have with my siblings, because I'll miss them someday very soon.) Now I know never to forget to take vitamin D in the winter, and to make sure I keep a normal amount of little changes going on in life to keep my mind from getting too bored with the every day, even if it's just rearranging the way my nail polish is in my boxes... 

I can definitely say that in my mind:

Change is good!

Not too much change of course, but just enough to keep my active little mind content! I was also reminded of how incredibly full of love for me my fiance is, and just how thankful for him I am. He stuck with me through those few miserable days, wiped away many tears, held onto me really tightly, chose to love me despite my depressive cranky state of mind, and he did his best to remind me of just how much he loved me, even though I definitely wasn't doing a great job of reminding him of how much I love him.

Have you made any little changes in your routine lately? Do you enjoy change? Or do you prefer things just as they are? 

xoxo, 

Jane